These assholes made the naughty list and Santa’s sick of their bullshit, so they’re getting coal.
Basically, they’re some of the worst people of the year.
After single-handedly jacking up the price of Daraprim 5000%, Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO Martin Shkreli is definitely getting coal. In latest news, he’s been arrested for Security Fraud and still looks super smug and like someone you should never leave alone with your drink.
As if I really need to explain. But for those who just returned from living under a rock: for starters, welcome back and second, Donald Trump, the billionaire entrepreneur turned ‘politician?’ has turned politics into a horrible sport, where nobody wins. His crazy antics, explicit racism, and dangerous rhetoric makes him a worthy candidate for coal. I really hope he stops trying to “Make America Great Again.” It’s freaking me out.
We’ve all got opinions and beliefs – and that’s cool. You know what’s not cool? Pushing your judgmental crap on other people while secretly leading an absurdly hypocritical life. The self-righteous hypocrite and executive director of the Family Research Council advocated for “traditional family values” – aka being against LGBT, womens rights, divorce, porn – while leading a secret, totally creepy life. Earlier this year, information came to light regarding his molester tendencies, and the Ashley Madison hack revealed he wasn’t actually the faithful husband in which he portrayed. Even though he got the the SVU treatment, Santa still thinks he needs some coal.
The Kentucky county clerk became well known for illegally acting upon her religious opposition to same-sex marriages. Regardless of one’s asshole opinions, we are still legally obligated to act within the law, even if those are less dickish than some would prefer. Because of her actions, she gets coal. You know Santa fully supports same sex marriage. All of his elves are merry, but some are also super gay.
The longtime President of FIFA resigned after being arrested this year for allegations of systematic bribery and corruption in the organization. He’s known for his sexism, homophobia, denying racism in soccer and building giant stadiums that negatively impact the poor communities in which they’re built. He took a good thing and made it ugly. COAL!
When overcharging for root canals isn’t enough to leave a dentist fulfilled, he hunts majestic animals. At least that’s what you do if you’re Walter Palmer, the Minnesotan dentist who paid $50,000 to kill Cecil the Lion – a 13-year-old African lion in Zimbabwe’s Hwange National Park. While that alone is enough to piss off Santa – who’s without a doubt a giant lover of lions, the fact that he lured Cecil out of his sanctuary, wounded him, let him bleed out for 40 hours before returning to finish him off with a rifle, then skinned and beheaded him, is enough to make Santa want to shit in his stocking… but he’s a busy man, so coal will have to suffice.
Also getting coal is the jerk who profited off the reprehensible Halloween costume.
Subway Guy, Jared Fogel
The beloved, once-fat man who lost so much weight eating sandwiches that it got him a sponsorship, broke our hearts. Instead of photos of sandwiches and him holding up giant pants, he had child pornography. He also traveled across state lines to have sex with minors. This situation really makes you realize how messed up the slogan is: “Subway. Eat Fresh.” Nope.
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi
Because, fuck ISIS. As the leader, he’s definitely getting coal. Upon hearing this news, the FBI has confiscated Santa’s naughty list in hopes of uncovering all members.