An appropriate summary of the effects of dick pics.

The only thing stupider than sending dick pics anonymously: Sending them to someone you know.

I don’t need to be on Tinder or Snapchat—and I’m not—to know that ‘dick pics’ pose a clear and present threat to the predominantly (I assume) female population.  I guess I just wasn’t aware of how pervasive it is—a pandemic, a plague of penis pictures parading across phone screens in the hands of the fairer sex, cursed with bearing this unfair burden.  Guys—the dick pic senders, or ‘dick-pickers’—What the shit…?

I mean, I have no words.

Or fewer than usual.

But I’ll push on anyway, so, here it goes (And keep in mind, this pertains to those unsolicited dick pic senders—I wouldn’t dream of telling you how to conduct your private affairs, which may or may not include sending/receiving solicited dick pics, or whatever else.):

What’s The Response You’re Expecting, Or Hoping For, By Sending Dick Pics?

An appropriate response to Dick pics, I'd say.

But, seriously, guys…

Whatever it is, one guy got a little more than he bargained for.  I don’t think he was expecting his penile portrait to be sent to his mother…

Which is exactly what Madi Kohn, a 20-year-old student at ASU, did, after receiving one too many dick pics.  But not without fair warning—and, effectively, turning the concept of ‘fair’ on its head.  (Is it Opposite Day already?)

Apparently, it was so prolific—and uninvited—she felt compelled to threaten, in her Tinder profile, as a warning to all those self-styled ‘Pied-Pipers-of-Dick-Pics’ pervert-cybersphere: “If you send me dick pics I will send them to your mom.”  Imagine that—having to issue that kind of disclaimer.  Makes me think I’m not missing out on much…

When the warning alone proved an inadequate deterrent to the determined genitalia-wielding Internet guerillas, anonymous exhibitionists, and pocket-sized perverts, she had no choice but to follow through on her threat.

Through a rather cursory display of reverse-stalking her assailant (on those very same social media pages, mind you), she managed to deduce his identity, along with some other useful pieces of information.  For the full story, click here.

Now, back to the real problem, namely, that for some indecipherable reason, some guys think they can just send unsolicited photos of their junk to women.  Willy-nilly.  Never mind the fact that it’s (got to be, right?) a form of assault—like ‘rape-by-image’ or ‘photo molestation’ or something.  And let’s even forget, for the moment, the sheer desperation of it all—how pathetic it is—and focus on the practicality of it: i.e., What are you hoping to accomplish by sending dick pics?

To the ‘Dick-Pickers’ Specifically:

Do you expect the recipient to quiver and swoon?

via GIPHY

Are you expecting her to get all worked up in a hormonal frenzy, foaming at the mouth like some hypodermic junkie, desperate for her next fix and with everything ready, if she could only get the damn lighter to catch…?

Dick pics - Not the response you're going to get.

But, most likely, “Naaah…”

Because I’m pretty sure that’s not the case.  Call me old-fashioned, but I appreciate some things being a surprise, and I can’t imagine most women (or people in general) feel any differently.  Think of it this way: At this point, once you’ve exposed all your ‘goods’ (very relatively speaking, that is), all that’s left for her to discover about you is your personality.  Which, considering what you dick-pickers consider acceptable behavior…  Well, maybe the dick pic is your best bet, after all.  (Which is NOT me advocating, and is like betting on a three-legged bulldog to win the Iditarod.)

And it’s always prudent to remember that, as easily as you found her, she can find you.  While your mother receiving a picture of your phallic peacocking is embarrassing, Ms. Kohn let this degenerate dick-picker off easy.  I’m sure, were she so inclined, she could’ve embarrassed him much more resolutely.  Options both victims and perpetrators should consider.

And it’s not like he didn’t deserve it.

Check out this book of poems about dick pics and online dating by Addie Hassel: No, I Don’t Want Your Dick Pic!: A whimsical collection of poems, exploring the adventures of online dating.

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Jack Kehres

Jack Kehres